P.S.A : The One That Got Away (Story By Fiziedeen)

Why do bad things happen to good people? Didn't the bible say the meek shall inherit the earth? What did I ever do to deserve this? Which old woman did I insult? Why have my village people sworn to ruin me? Oyibo calls all these rhetorical questions. This is a very serious matter though. This isn't just a story, it's a public service announcement. Let's not dwell on foreplay for too long sha, make we enter the place *in 2baba's voice


Now, In one of my random internet surfing sessions, I saw an advert about a short story competition. They said if you're a writer and you're interested in competing, you should send in a short story of not more than 400 words. How I unseriously entered for the competition is a story for another day. Just know that I won it. Of course I did na. No be me again? I've never failed, and I never will *looks around to see if any of my lecturers heard that statement. But the organisers of the competition are wicked. Mumu people. The prize for winning is 50k. Shouldn't they have sent it to my account? They had to make me come to Lagos to get it. No be 15k don burn for transport so? You self check am na. Transport fare from Abuja to Lagos is like 6k. That's 12k, to and fro. And you know say I gats buy gala and casera for road. And you dare not travel from Abuja to any other part of Nigeria without buying Kilishi for the people you're going to meet. You can be very sure you won't be welcome. If you do all your additions correctly, you go see say almost 20k don burn be that, inside the 50k. Sad!

Well, I don't exactly regret coming to lagos..but at first, I thought I did. I mean with all the hold up and heat that greeted me on my first 3 days in Gidi, I was already looking forward to leaving the town. It wasn't just the heat self. Boredom almost choked me. My aunt goes to work very early and comes back very late. Her children are all in boarding schools. I'll just be home alone all day. I for no even complain if to say light dey. At least I'd have my phone to keep me company. At least I'll have different bbm girls wanting to flirt with me, knowing fully well that I just won 50k. Everything was just fucked up. All that sha changed when I left my aunt's house at Egbeda to go and stay with my cousins at Ikoyi. It felt like I moved to the coke side of life *Brrrrrrrrr. Lagos Island and Mainland no dey the same page at all. If you just cross that 3rd mainland bridge, enter island, even you self go feel am say weather don change. Fine cars, beautiful people everywhere, everything was chill.

16th January came. It was the day the short story organisers asked me to come and collect my prize at their office in VI. I wore a well starched and ironed black Polo ralph shirt, with a brown chinos. The warm reception I got no be here o. Come and see me like one boss na, na so I bounce enter. You know all those kind of conference tables where bosses hold meetings with their staff? Ehen, they sat me at one of those kind of tables. They Served me a cold drink with a glass. I no sabi the drink name so I can't tell you but e no cheap at all. The drink tasted like money. As if they dried money, grinded it and made the drink out of its juice. I was taking it one sip at a time, with smiles at intervals. You know as big people dey do na. I sit down there like boss.

They kept on asking me questions and all. For my mind, I was like let this people give me my 50k let me go home and start thinking of how to flex Lagos. But of course, I had to sit down there and answer their questions with smiles. I liked it though, the whole thing was filmed. At the end, they handed me my prize and took pictures with me then I left. I left the office better than I entered it; 50k richer. E fit no be big money for una but na treasure for me. It felt like I won a lottery. My walking step changed. Money dey give person confidence I swear. From time to time as I walked to where I'll get a cab back home (of course it had to be a cab na, a 50k nigga can't be seen entering a bus), I'd feel my left pocket to make sure my 50k is still intact. I've heard lots of stories about Lagos and how fast they are. Na my own go lost? Never.

Fast-forward, just 3days later, there were no traces of the 50k remaining. Everything don go. Don't ask me how I spent it because I don't even know. Money slow to enter, money quick to go. Where money dey go, I no know. I mean, the voting process for the competition took over a month. What right does the money now have to finish in 3days? No be like say I even buy any better thing o. Well, God dey.

Moving on! On this faithful day, there was this my guy I was going to see in Lekki. His name's Jeffery Uzor. Asked him for his number on bbm, and he gave me. I called him and he gave me the address on phone. I didn't want to go alone because I didn't know the way so I asked my cousin to follow me. Money no too dey so I use the 500 naira wey dey wallet put fuel for him 406 car and off we went. We drove straight to the address he gave me. He was already waiting outside for us. We didn't say much, I just collected what I came there for and we drove off. On our way back home, still inside lekki, on the other lane of the road, we saw this fair fine girl. She's average in height, not skinny, close to what can be described as thick. She was wearing a tight, not-so-long gown. Omo if you see nyash? You know all those kind bumbums that you just can't take your eyes off?

This particular bumbum is the first child of that family. It wasn't so big, it wasn't small either. It was just perfect!!! The arse was saying " Fiziedeen, come and get me, come and get me"... I just had to respond. Na so we use speed drive go round about, then turned into the other lane and started driving back. There she was, still walking. My cousin was the one driving and I was just beside him. As we dey drive go where she dey, I use the car rag clean off all the ororo for my face. No blame me, I no carry handkerchief. I take time lick my lips wella, to make sure it looked fresh. I blew out air into and out of my my mouth repeatedly, to keep my breath fresh. To talk to woman has never been my problem, my mouth sharp pass knife but liver almost fail me for this one. I almost told my cousin to drive off but I took one more glance at the ass and my ginger level returned back to 100percent.

He moved from the fast lane to the side of the road as if he was going to park but kept on moving at her pace. I tried talking to her. Heyy, what's good? How you doing? Can I talk to you? Where you going to? Can you give me a minute? Omo I speak all the grammar wey dey my mouth. This girl no answer me. She just kept on walking. I tried again, no show. We left her but I kept on watching her. She walked to where those white lekki buses were packed in phase 1 and entered one. How this kind girl go dey enter bus? As she fine like this? With that kind nyash? I knew that wasn't God's plans for his children when he led them out of Egypt. I told my cousin to park and I walked to the bus she was in. I didn't even say a word. She smiled and was like "seriously? You came here? Oya bring your phone and let me give you my number so you can go".. Omo just like that o. I smiled and handed it to her. She typed the number and returned the phone.

I told her I'll call and then I left. Omo her smile no be here o. See face abeg. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked back to my car. Indeed, God is faithful. I had a second thought and walked back to the bus. Asked her where she was going to and she said she was going to her aunt's house in lekki. Can I drop you off? After a little bit consideration, she agreed and came back to the car with me. We wey no get fuel, na so we raise glass, knack A/C. I trust that 406. The A/C fit dry person blood. I got really comfortable cos I was in my zone. I already told you that I have a sharp mouth. Before I talk one or two, the girl don dey laugh like say I be Basket mouth. If you were there, you would think we had been friends for over 10 years. We joked about a lot of things, including her ass. Yes, her ass. She told me that she was trying to hold it while she walked so it'd be stiff and wouldn't shake but it e no dey gree. Omo see green light abeg.

Girl wey you just meet now now dey tell you that kind thing about her ass? Even Stevie Wonder could see how green the light was. The drive to her place was short but was totally enjoyable. She told me she's a Unilag student, 300 level. I tell her my own. Mechanical engineering graduate of UNN. See levels na. No be small assignment I give that girl that day. She obviously didn't regret meeting me. Before she dropped, she said I should call her. That her battery was low but her phone should be on in the next 30minutes. If girl tell you that kind thing, just know she's feeling the boy. I don tey for the business so I sabi wetin I dey talk. Just to be sure, I unlocked my phone, checked my dialled numbers, saw the last number I dialled and saved it. I saved it as Omawunmi Lekki. As she go, we use speed off the A/C. Fuel don go down badly.

We just dey pray make e carry us reach house. I was filling fulfilled. The smile on my face was so wide, it was almost touching my ears. Even my cousin hail me. He said he likes the confidence I have when it comes to talking to girls. Him confirm say I get flows for mouth. I just dey smile like rat wey lick salt. We got home. I couldn't wait to call her. Whether 30minutes don reach or not, e no concern me. I cleared my throat, rehearsed how to say "hey baebi" in my deepest, sexiest voice ever. After I was done with the rehearsal, I called. It began ringing. Belle sweet me die.

The person picked but it wasn't a female voice. It was male. It was Jeffery. Same Jeffery I went to see at lekki before I saw her. It was his number I saved as Omawunmi Lekki. Within a fraction of a second, I realised I had lost her number. I didn't dial it when she finished typing it on my phone. It was gone, just like that. Omo, I find cry, I no see. E hard me to believe. All that groove, everything go just waste like that? Na me fuck up like this? Me, Fiziedeen? All the Obalende girls wey I don collect their numbers since I enter Lagos, I no make this kind mistake. Na this one, this one wey fine scatter. As pictures of her smile and her ass played in my head, na small thing remain, I for begin cry. I put hands for head.

Why do bad things happen to good people, why??? Wetin I go do? I went to facebook to search for Omawunmi. Them nearly reach 1000. If only I knew her surname. If only I collected her pin in the car. If only I dialled her number when she typed it. My world dropped. Pictures of the ass I saw that day still won't leave my head.

I told you all this isn't just a story. Its a public service announcement. If you know any Omawunmi in Unilag, 300 level, fair, very pretty, average in height, not skinny, not too thick either, with an alien bumbum, abeg, I kneel down dey beg you, contact me. My BB PIN is 25d37967. My twitter handle na @Fiziedeen. Which ever one you wanna contact me with, abeg no fail. I have spent my 50k so I cannot add "a handsome reward awaits you" but just know God will bless you.

Omawunmi, the one that got away *tears trickle down*





If you missed Fiziedeen's FRIENDZONE AND HOW I LANDED IN UNN, click HERE
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